


Mistypes and Magic

by BlueRoseUK



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Drabble, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-15 09:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4602318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueRoseUK/pseuds/BlueRoseUK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the mistakes, mistypes and tropes of Harry Potter fanon explored in drabble form. Definitely not to be taken seriously!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Voldermort

Harry shook his head, who would have thought lousy spelling would be enough to finally have Ron, and soon enough most of Gryffindor, saying the dreaded name?

Ah well, an extra 'r' wasn't hurting anybody. Personally Harry quite liked seeing the half aborted flinch whenever Snape heard one of the students use the almost-he-who-must-not-be-named name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fashioned him a new name...


	2. Return to Sender...

Harry unsealed the envelope, examining the unfamiliar handwriting. He briefly wondered whether it was wise to open a mystery letter without any ideas of either the contents or the sender, but dismissed the thought. Hermione was on hand, after all. There were even a few teachers somewhere around, if worse came to worst.

He unfolded the parchment, relieved that nothing horrible immediately happened. Harry scanned the contents and looked up, his brows pulling together. "You've delivered this wrong," he informed the owl. "It's not for me."

"What do you mean, Harry?" Hermione answered. The owl simply ignored him, examining the breakfast table for unguarded bacon scraps. She'd be out of luck if Ron and Seamus kept going.

"This letter isn't addressed to me, the owl delivered it wrong."

"Nah," Ron spoke through a mouthful of scrambled egg, swallowing hastily at Hermione's disapproving glare. "Can't, mate. Owls follow a magical signature, don't they?"

Harry shrugged; it wasn't like they'd covered anything about the wizarding postal system in class. Though come to think of it, it would be handy if they did. Galleon conversion rates, cooking and cleaning with charms and whether there was a magical NHS or wizarding taxes would actually be quite helpful information. Heck, magical first aid would be a good start, or even how to summon an auror in an emergency.  
'Back on track, Potter,' Harry told himself, maybe they'd cover that next year. "Well, it's not my name at the top."

Hermione looked intrigued, Ron vaguely curious. "Who does it say then?"

"Don't think I know them. D'you know anyone called 'Adonis'?"

Hermione spluttered with laughter, drawing more attention to their part of the breakfast table. "What else does it say Harry?"

"Umm... something about burning... and withering... I think maybe someone's threatening this Adonis person."

"Adonis is you Harry," Hermione told him, sighing loudly enough to ensure that now everyone at the Gryffindor table was listening in. "It comes from Greek mythology, but essentially someone is calling you extremely good looking."

Harry looked taken aback, not helped by the vicious elbow that was intended as a gentle nudge from Ron, "what? This scrawny bugger?"

The twins chose this moment to add to the confusion, grabbing Ron and yanking him off the bench. "This scrawny bugger, he says..."

"... that Adonis is our star seeker..."

"... a vision of sleek, lithe beauty..."

"... and a God, Greek or otherwise, on a broom."

Harry uncomfortably wished that he had never opened the letter, or that his friends would one day develop the ability to speak quietly. "I don't know, Hermione. If someone's calling me Adonis, why are they sending me threatening letters?"

"Oh, let me see that, Harry." Hermione grabbed the letter out of his hands, scanning the parchment quickly. "Harry..." she sighed again. "It's not a threat, it's a love letter."

Harry was sure that everyone at the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables would be listening in as well by this point and his ears burnt in embarrassment. "What?! No, 'Mione, it said about someone being burnt and dying and about seeing me wither; that's like saying they want to watch me die, isn't it?"

Hermione thrust the letter towards him.  
"Harry, it says, 'I burn for your touch, I pine for a look, I perish for your smile.' And the other part, the bit that goes, 'I want to see you wither on a bed, your body flushed...'"

Ron cleared his throat uncomfortably, and Hermione stopped reading, thank Merlin. The Hall seemed unusually quiet now, probably the Slytherin table as well as the head table where the professors sat could hear Hermione clearly.

"Anyway, I think they just misspelt writhe. They want to see you writhing on a bed..."

"Yes, thank you Hermione, I think we all got that. So, not a death threat?"

"Nope, just a badly written love letter."

The throat clearing and sniggering was almost, but not quite, enough to mask the red flush that had risen in Ginny's cheeks and her sudden and speedy exit from the great hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still sorry, Ginny...


	3. Journalism meets fan fiction?

FUTURE OF WIZARDING WORLD IN DOUBT?  
DAILY PROPHET REVEALS TRUTH!

Sadly the tendency of wizarding couples to form gay relationships in response to the slash tendencies of many readers has led directly to a massive fall off in the magical population of Western Europe. The remaining heterosexual couples also seem to have adopted other questionable practices that have somewhat impeded the birth rate as well, for example forming relationships with so called ‘neiko’ or cat people – cat people make notoriously unreliable parents, unfortunately. 

Interspecies couples have historically caused many problems in wizarding society, creating confusing hybrid children, some without viable magic cores. This notoriously led to near disaster for wizarding society in 1732 when the non-magical offspring of a rather eccentric witch and her partner, a large specimen of haddock, or Melanogrammus aeglefinus, joined a muggle circus purporting to be a mermaid.

The Daily Prophet asks that it’s magical readers consider the inevitable future decline of the wizarding world and the magical populace should these worrying trends continue. However, the Ministry of Magic has been hard at work researching potential solutions both internationally and here in Britain and Minister Umbridge has today revealed her plan exclusively to The Daily Prophet. For details on her impressive and far-reaching plan to arrange marriages for all magical children born in Britain, turn to page 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible even more silly than my usual. Ah well.


	4. Flourish and Blotts

Summery. Johann Blott sighed as he read the cover of one of the new arrivals for his stores shelves. Yet another book that thought the blurb apparently called for a weather forecast. 

For perhaps the millionth time in his long career as a purveyor of books, Blott wished there were a spell to prevent morons from publishing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Transferring old files to a new computer reminded me I have all these old fic notes.  
> And yes, my sense of humour really is this bad...


	5. Veni, vidi, vici

Lockheart smiled toothily at his audience – sorry, class – and spoke with his usual innate eloquence. “I’m very impressed by your efforts this week. It was clear from your homework who has been keeping up with their reading,” he smiled around the room. “Some of our more dedicated students even went further with background reading and research.” 

Hermione’s cheeks pinked slightly, Professor Lockheart had noticed her extra effort to research the spells he had used! Finally, a teacher recognizing, even praising her hard work and thorough research... 

“Miss Brown, it’s clear you have read every copy of Witch Weekly and even the lesser circulated Teen Witch; I’m impressed. As a reward I thought I would share your essay with the class.” 

With a swish of his wand and a quietly muttered incantation – a quiet whisper was almost the same as silent casting, after all – a rounded, girlish script in Lavender’s signature purple ink floated across the walls. Lockheart read the essay aloud, drawing attention to the key parts (quotations of his own speeches to the fearsome creatures he had faced, references to the gratitude of various localities, a particularly good description of his favourite outfit. He knew that he read well; he had his audience on the edge of their seats by the end, his skill tempering the deficiencies of teenage scribbling.  
Lockheart hushed his voice dramatically for the last line, “for after all, good will always concur evil.” 

Hermione choked and read the final line of the essay again, her stupefied gaze switching between the coyly blushing Lavender and the preening Professor.


	6. Be Afraid...

Ginny narrowed her eyes viciously in Harry's direction. Neville leant in close to his friend, muttering in a not quite quiet enough voice, "I'd be wary of that one, Harry. If looks could kill..."

Seamus looked up, puzzled and a little concerned. "Not sleeping again? More nightmares, Harry?"

Neville and Harry returned his confusion with a little extra of their own, but luckily (as always) Hermione was on hand to solve the problem.

"Wary, not weary, Seamus. Neville means that Harry should think very carefully before annoying Ginny, not that he's overtired." She shot a quick look at the youngest Weasley. "And I think Neville's got a point."

Seamus made a slight face, but nodded, turning back to his dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't sure whether to put this one up or not, but it was all written, so: what the hey!
> 
> Wary/weary is a mistype that I've seen so often, however when I posted this previously I discovered that this pronunciation may be specific to where I live. With a little investigation I've discovered that the rest of the world apparently pronounces 'weary' as 'weery'. So, apologies. On the other hand, if this made sense to you then we could well be neighbours! 
> 
> Don't you love regional accent differences that make you look really stupid...
> 
> We also say 'beer' and 'bear' pretty much the same way :) The jokes just write themselves some days.


	7. All grown up?

\- Sunday Afternoon -

"Aahh! So cute!"

"Oh My God, I know! Did you see where..."

Lavender and Parvati had their heads close together, as was normal for a weekend in the Gryffindor common room. The giggling and whispering was all pretty standard as well, but Harry couldn't help but feel that it seemed to be more directed at him than usual. 

Hermione was always quick to let Harry and Ron know that they weren't exactly the sharpest tools in the box when it came to emotions, or, well, most things, really... Even Harry could admit that he could be pretty oblivious sometimes. For example, he'd taken an embarrassingly long time to realise why Ginny Weasley was so shy and quiet around him when they were younger.  
But even Harry was able to pick up on the strange way that Lavender and Parvati were acting. The gossiping girls rarely caught his attention, but he felt watched by them this weekend. Their whispers seemed to follow him through the common room. Their giggles practically echoed up the stairs to his dorm room. Shaking his head, Harry gave up on understanding the mysteries of girls and convinced his dorm mates to go flying instead.

 

\- Monday morning –

Parvati and Lavender's whispering, giggling disease had spread! It was first year and the discovery of his unappreciated fame all over again. Harry found that he liked it just as little now as he had back then. 

The number of girls in school seemed to have tripled overnight and all of them (younger, older, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw) seemed to be slyly watching and whispering and giggling about Harry. He had raced into the nearest bathroom after his first lesson, convinced that Seamus had stuck something to his back or that the twins had charmed his hair pink… but nothing! He had looked exactly the same as he usually did and he couldn't think of a single reason that half of Hogwarts should be talking about him and laughing in that way that girls did.  
Hermione was the only one who seemed to be immune; he desperately hoped his curly-haired friend could help him figure out what was going on.

By lunch Harry was desperate. Hermione had spent the previous lesson in Ancient Runes, so he hadn't been able to ask her anything. Now, before she escaped to the library, was his chance. "'Mione? Have you noticed anything different?"

"About what Harry?" She barely glanced up from her intent reading of the charms textbook propped beside her plate.

"Umm... Me? Or, you know, something?" Harry knew that he lacked eloquence sometimes, but that was pathetic, even for him. "I mean, that people... Well… Is there a rumour I should know about? People are laughing at me and watching me, all the time. It's weird!"

"Not people, Harry. Girls. It's the girls, they've been giggling at you all day. Even Katie's doing it." Fred gestured up the table. It was true. Katie had her hand raised to hide her lips, talking quietly to her neighbour. She giggled when Harry caught her eye, then she looked away like a shy first year. Katie Bell, who had trained with him since his first time out as a scrawny little eleven year old seeker.

Hermione watched this, a look of slight confusion on her face, and she slowly closed the book. "Hmm. I see what you mean, Harry. When did this start?"

"I don't know, yesterday? It's worse today though."

"And you haven't done anything?” She looked at him critically, as though he was a tricky potion that she was simmering.

"No."

"Changed your deodorant? Used a new grooming charm?" 

Harry shook his head. 

"Nothing different?"

"No, nothing! Went to class, went flying,” (a light flurry of whispers, Katie sighed) “did a bit of homework,” (a scolding frown from Hermione at the admission it wasn't completed) "played chess with Ron, argued with Malfoy, life as usual."

A storm of whispers and giggles arose as the name Malfoy crossed his lips and Dean snorted in laughter as the words "sexual tension" rose, clearly discernible above the general babble.

Harry choked.

Hermione looked around. It really was all the girls; even Madam Hooch was whispering into Madam Pomfrey's ear. A few boys were at it as well, notably Colin Creevy and Blaise Zabini. "I've got no idea, Harry," she admitted. “Sorry.”  
Harry looked crestfallen at the news and another round of "Aahs" swept the room.

Another snort of laughter came from Dean, who suddenly grabbed the magazine that Demelza Robbins had been sharing with a giggling friend.  
”In the news again, Harry!" Dean laughed, sliding the magazine towards the mystified boy.

Harry grabbed the copy of Witch Weekly only to see himself blushingly depicted on the front page. Annoyed already, he paged through to find the article.

'Hottie Harry Potter... with his androgynous sex appeal, the lean build of a pre-teen and the compelling animal magnetism of a veela... his youthful, innocent aura... his wide, naive emerald green eyes, his sexily tousled black locks... his exquisitely lithe figure and boyishly slim hips... a delicate, ethereal beauty... '

Harry choked back bile as he read the gushing words. "What?! This is really... they talk about me like I'm a tiny child… and then the next sentence... Oh, gross! What in Merlin’s name does 'sexy chibi' mean? You know what: please don't tell me."

Sod lessons. 

Harry dropped the magazine and headed back to his dorms for a really, really hot shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because no healthy teen should even semi-realistically be described as looking like a ten year old. And the disturbing fan fiction trend to portray pre-teen children as attractive? Look at some real ten year olds, people. Would you call them sexy? Just, no.


	8. Neville ponders...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proofreading is everyone's friend :)

“despite his roll in the Wizengamot he has constantly refused to take on additional official positions within the Ministry...” 

Neville grinned dreamily to himself, imagining Supreme Mugwump and Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore sprawled across the floor and lazily waving his arms and legs as he rolled the full length of the foyer to the Ministry of Magic.


End file.
